Published May 28, 2008
Battling Plane (2) This is my second attempt at this poem...
Edited (original was quoted by the post below =) [ I only edited the spaces])
___________________________
There is a foul depth in souls
A dark chasm of emptiness and shame
An abyss of sorrow
Unfound and nonexistant in none,
As it grows
Life seems positively penetrable by its pull
--
A man
Fidgetting in his pockets
--
There is a saint in everyone
Pure, strong, and true,
Achieved by greatness
A portal to a true hero
Found everywhere
--
A man
Bowing his head in grief
--
Two paths crossed
The collision
Like a cosmic vortex of blissful insanity
Swimming in the chaos that is...
A battling plane
--
A woman
One of them triumphed, but which one lost?
Lying in a pool of blood
--
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Okay, we'll try this one. Edits in bold.
Okay, you started out marvelously, but your ending was lacking. What is this battling plane? And your final sentence wasn't a very good closer. Once you get to the third or fourth stanza, I would just rewrite it, but make it clearer and more dramatic at the end.
Also, I think you need punctuation. It doesn't look very good without it.
Your rhythm was mixed, some places you were great, sometimes not.
I wish I could advise you on pictures and things (like the cliche: showing, not telling), but I can't ditch that problem myself. Leave that to someone else.
This has a great start, and if you work with it a bit, it can definitely improve.
Keep writing!
Teh Wozzinator
Blacktiger, was there any need to quote the whole poem for that one comment? I think not.
Anyway, the spaces were a bit unnecessary. However, I did quite like the poem.
To me, this structure is a bit weak. I like the idea, but its just statement after statement. If you played around with the metre, or tried to incorporate some more imagery to expand on it. Its just a bit dull, in my honest opinion, especially as it runs throughout. Except for the final stanza where you have that bit about the collision, i suppose. I do like the stanza breaks though, with the shorter stanzas. I also like the contrast you've incorporated : foul depth in souls; There is a saint in everyone. I do like a bit of contrast.
I never read your first draft, but i wish i had done. Its quite good, but i think it needs fine tuned again. Sorry! Keep it up x
There is a foul depth in souls
A dark chasm of emptiness and shame
An abyss of sorrow
Unfound and nonexistant in none,
As it grows
Life seems positively penetrable by its pull
--
A man
Fidgetting in his pockets
--
There is a saint in everyone
Pure, strong, and true,
Achieved by greatness
A portal to a true hero
Found everywhere
--
A man
Bowing his head in grief
--
Two paths crossed
The collision
Like a cosmic vortex of blissful insanity
Swimming in the chaos that is...
A battling plane
--
A woman
One of them triumphed, but which one lost?
Lying in a pool of blood
There were too many spaces! I think you should rewrite this.